Article by Sean Newman, Editing by @TheFlyinJew
I've been a fan of Magic: The Gathering for almost its entire fifteen year run. I'll keep playing until the day zombies take over the world (granted, they already have, you just haven't been paying enough attention). Now while I enjoy the game because it's for people who still have a brain and the ability to read, I also like it for the fun times and random insanity that can come along while playing others who are as passionate about the game as I am.
With the exception of my boy Jew, most of the people that I know don't really enjoy Magic as much as I do. Therefore the only time I can really play against anyone, real or fake, is on X-Box Live. I'll admit it's not the same, but beggars can't be choosers. I don't care much, as long as I can still play it and enjoy it. I know I'm going on and on about my love of MTG, but it's all part of the setup. Sometimes playing against someone crazy can really make a game go from "yawn" status to "I'm about to piss myself from laughter" status. I am about to tell you of such a time.
If memory serves me right it was about a month or so ago. I was playing online with Jew and his buddy Captain Communist. I was running my personal favorite, the Gravetouch deck (Yeah, I payed extra money for a DLC deck. Wanna fight about it?). Jew and Communist were both rolling with green decks. After Communist completely violated everyone in the first game, payback was coming fierce. But first...BEAR WARS!
Still being salty about being the first to get knocked out of the previous game (and me just being the dick that I am), I did everything in my power to make sure that Communist lost hard. Like "a hooker down on her luck" hard. Whenever he got a creature out I made sure it died immediately. It didn't matter what he played. I was not getting raped again. Frustrated at my dominance, Communist manages to squeeze out a runeclaw bear. While exclaiming things such as "Oh you got bears? I got bears fo' days son!" Jew (Who looks like a sexy bear himself) decides that he can do better by bringing out a few bears of his own. Three turns later I'm looking at an army of bears of various colors, all staring at each other awkwardly, like a child molester at a playground. Not a pretty sight, trust me.
Next thing I know I'm hearing the strangest shit talking that I have ever heard during a card game. Now famous lines such as "My bears will fuck your bears up, you poser fuck!" and "Your bears ain't got shit on mine! Lemme get a WereBear up in here and we'll see some shit!". It was like a Cold War. The two of them completely forgot I was playing, and began concentrating on playing as many bears as they could. Nobody attacked. neither of them played anything that wasn't a land, a bear, or a way to get a bear. I was going to deck out soon, but I didn't dare make a move. I wanted to see this through. I had to know what would happen.
Either Communist ran out of bears to play, or he was feeling confident at this point, because he began putting out the feelers. Staying safe at first, he attacked a few times with a small creature, just to see what he could get away with. Jew warned him not to poke the bears. He didn't listen.
For those of us who don't play Street Fighter, "Poking" is the art of using normal or special attacks (but usually normal), at an optimum range to harass an opponent into making a bad move. It's what Guile does with Sonic Booms so that he can catch you with his epic air throw when you jump, it's what Hayato does before hit confirming into a Plasma Combo, and it's the only thing that Yun players do when they don't have meter. The basic goal of Poking is to attack with safe moves, and patiently wait for the opponent to mess up and get hit. You then transition into your real offense while you have the momentum.
Communist wouldn't listen. He kept poking. With a battle cry so mighty that it shook the heavens, Jew unleashed Armageddon. The Cold War quickly became a War of Attrition as both sides took part in a massive Bear Battle. Dozens of bears clashed as both sides took turns attacking, blocking, and using cards such as Giant Growth to keep their bears alive. Even that damn card has a bear on it!
I am watching two grown men commit what is now officially MTG sin #1 in my book: Don't commit mass bear genocide. As these two are throwing their Yogi's and Boo-Boo's into the grinder, I'm sitting back waiting and laughing. They had completley forgotten that I was playing. I felt like Lex Luthor, watching from my tower as Superman and Doomsday beat each other to death. As fun as it was to experience all of the bear jokes flying faster than the bears themselves, I had to end it before I decked out. Both men were on their last legs, and I had been doing nothing but building MY OWN army for the past ten or so turns. What better way to finish the fight than with a zombie army boosted and growing with every attack from a Grave Titan?
Tales of the great Bear Battles will live on forever in our Facebook posts and history will never forget. One day we will play face to face, and the stories will become more epic, and possibly filled with more honey.
The legend will never die...
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